i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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