Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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