when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the day after is always just damage control
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
