It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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