I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
