Your face is a jimmy john
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
