Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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