So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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