I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
