You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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