pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
