I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
