i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
