My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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