Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
