you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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