despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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