let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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