This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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