I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
