Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I need to calm my uterus...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
