Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
