I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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