I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
