I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
