you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
this is an emotional support booty call
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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