If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she looked like the before picture.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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