ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
where are my eyebrows?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
