I wish my penis had an off switch
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
