how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
