I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
