Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
