I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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