I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
