I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
