i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
