I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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