On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
