So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
