I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
it glows. i had to have it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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