no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize