i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
