dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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