I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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