If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
