Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
