I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
