oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize