Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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