my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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