I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
