I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
