this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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