His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
