I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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