pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
