What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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