I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
