No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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