I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
