He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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